Because Chili [Comic]

This story may or may not have a ring of truth from a personal experience.

To be honest, I don’t think anyone would beat your ass for smelling like shit on the Metro.  They’d probably move to another train at the very next stop.  But that’s about as active as Metro riders would get.  We generally keep to ourselves.

Chili is one of my absolute favorite foods.  However, should you eat it all day, it is quite possible that you will need to stay close to a rest room.  I want to make it clear that it is a day of chili eating and not Ben’s Chili Bowl that is the cause of the bowel disruption.

If you are a fellow chili lover and you live in the area, I highly recommend Ben’s Chili Bowl.  Local lore has it that Ben invented the half smoke sausage which is one of the best vehicles for chili.  I don’t know if that’s true, but the Chili Bowl serves the absolute best chili smothered half smokes in the city.  And they’re open wicked late.  If I lived near them, I’d be heading over there right after I finish typing this post.

So now for the question that is known to start fist fights amongst chili enthusiasts.  Beans or no beans?

↓ Transcript


Worth it!


Kane gestures with a smug grin on his face.


I have to know. Kane, exactly how did a porta potty save your life?


This is a perfect after lunch tale of woe.


A younger Kane stands in front of Ben's Chili Bowl.

KANE (Caption)

Back in college, I spent a day eating nothing but chili from different restaurants in D.C. Because chili.


Kane holds his crotch and makes a face as he silently whispers to himself.

KANE (Caption)

It caught up to me as I was walking across the mall late at night. I spotted a lone porta potty and made a run for it. But. Well.

KANE (In panel)

Didn't quite make it.


Exterior shot of the porta potty.

KANE (Caption)

Fortunately, only a little leaked out. Got inside just in time for the rest of it to explode.

KANE (From porta potty)



Shot of Kane's crotch wrapped in toilet paper.


Chucked my boxers down the hole. I took as much toilet paper as I could to wrap my nethers so that I wouldn't stink up the ride home. And thus, a porta potty saved me from getting my ass beat on the Metro.

  • Seth Nicholson

    Vegan and with beans.

  • Kyle Wright

    Gotta go with my southern roots on this one, no beans.

  • Chili Nazi

    There’s no such thing as chili with beans. By definition, that would be stew.

  • War Apocalypsewriters

    Huh, all the stuff I had growing up called chili had beans, corn and meat in it.

  • mightyninjamom

    I like it with beans, tortilla chips, and lime!

  • punman

    Beans. No corn.

  • StormDad

    As a native of the state that is widely recognized historically by food anthropologists as having originated this dish called chili (Texas, of course), I will have to go with the traditional “no beans”. However, I’m not so narrow-minded as to not admit that other ingredients such as beans and corn are not also delicious – but add either ingredient to chili and it becomes no longer chili, but a variety of chili stew.

  • Nurian

    If I make chili for enjoyment, I put no beans in. If I’m making a large pot to sustain us for a few days, I put beans in.

  • Kimberly Elliott

    I love beans in my chili. I also make a vegetarian chili with various kinds of beans. I like my chili mildly sweet, so I add a can of pork’n beans in the mix and a tablespoon of brown sugar. Mmm,.

  • Wayne Zombie

    In a case of interesting timing, I just made a batch last night along with some corn bread. I am definitely a non-beans guy, I used to make Alton Brown’s Pressure Cooker Chilli, which is cool because you make your own chilli powder and get to use a pressure cooker, which I once cooled by dropping in a snow bank just for the heck of it.

    I do not like beans in chilli, HOWEVER….

    I’ve switched to America’s Test Kitchen’s Basic Chilli recipe, wonderful flavor, and it has beans. They give you a choice of kidney or black beans, and I’ve always liked black beans, so I use one can of those instead of two. A couple of years ago a friend was having a BBQ, so I made a batch without beans for application to hot dogs and burgers, and IT TASTED TERRIBLE. Went to the store, bought one can of beans, poured it in and let it simmer for another hour. It then tasted fine.

    I have no idea why a single can of beans made such a difference, but it surely did.

  • TeddyMarinaro

    Depends on what the chili is used for. I prefer an old family recipe that doesn’t use ‘em but I’ve had recipes that utilize the bean quite well! One of my favorite things to do is whip up a pot of no-bean and throw a can of beans into it in a cheesecloth bag then haul them out and put them on the side. That way you get the flavor without the texture and those who like can add them!

  • Jes

    As a Texan, I feel strangely vindicated that I don’t eat beans in mine simply because I’ve never cared for them. But mm-mm, Frito chili pies…

  • Kyle Wright

    YUP. True words. Maybe that’s because I’m also originally from Texas, but I agree.

  • Katlamos

    Has to have kidney beans in it. Not spicy either; I love sweet chili.

  • Kris

    I go for the Vegetarian with beans. Hot and spicy.

  • toag

    as a non texan, i think of chili as anything that has less liquid than a stew… total fan of beans , no beans, corn, chicken, veggie, vegan… i do not discriminate… however it must have enough heat to make your nose run at least. I prefer chili that make a bead of sweat form on your brow… now thats good eats.

  • reynard61

    Beans or no beans, doesn’t really matter to me. But I luuuuuuuuurrrrrrrvz me ma meatz! (Ground beef, pork or chicken. Turkey is *NOT* a good chili meat!) Also loves me ma onionz an’ cheeze! (Corn? Really?! REALLY?!?!?! Ew…) And make it mild. I’m kinda attached to my tongue and upper palatte and don’t need them hating me for the rest of the night.

  • Christopher Scott Schwartz

    I am aware that this makes me a bad person, but living in DC and being so far from my college town in Ohio means that I am always looking for a fix of Skyline Chili. I am aware that saying Skyline is the equivalent of being asked about how to serve a great steak and answering “IHOP steak and eggs!” However, the traditional Skyline 3-way is always a happy memory. Also, as I state that I long for a 3-Way (noodles, beef, cheese) no beans.

  • aldeka

    As far as I’m concerned, chili = beans and meat. Just meat is sloppy joe innards. Just beans is sad.

  • William Hassinger

    From Foodspin: “How To Make Chili: A Guide For People Who Aren’t Anti-Bean Zealots Or Elitist Scum”

  • Charlie Spencer

    I wondered why there wasn’t any paper left in that porta…