It should be Gundam Wednesday, a day when we celebrate the awesomeness of Mobile Suits and Char clones. Instead, we return, once again, to our punching bag movie of 2012, Steve, the live action Akira failure.

The latest news comes to me by way of AZM Allies Kensei Dave, Laurie Lachapelle, and Bijan Houshmandzadeh. Casting website Acting Auditions has posted a brief synopsis of the movie so that potential hopefuls know what they’re auditioning for. Let’s take a little peak, shall we:

Kaneda (Garret Hedlund) is a bar owner in Neo-Manhattan who is stunned when his brother–

Oh shit, you know something’s up when Davros is laughing at your ass.

Alright, alright. Really now, how can we explode in fan rage if we don’t read the whole thing? Let’s get this over with:

Kaneda (Garret Hedlund) is a bar owner in Neo-Manhattan who is stunned when his brother, Tetsuo, is abducted by government agents led by The Colonel (Ken Watanabe). Desperate to get his brother back, Kaneda agrees to join with Ky Reed (Kristen Stewart) and her underground movement who are intent on revealing to the world what truly happened to New York City thirty years ago when it was destroyed. Kaneda believes their theories to be ludicrous but after finding his brother again, is shocked when he displays telekinetic powers. Ky believes Tetsuo is headed to release a young boy, Akira, who has taken control of Tetsuo’s mind. Kaneda clashes with The Colonel’s troops on his way to stop Tetsuo from releasing Akira but arrives too late. Akira soon emerges from his prison courtesy of Tetsuo as Kaneda races in to save his brother bfore Akira once again destroys Manhattan island, as he did thirty years ago.

You’re right, Light. Honestly, the best response to this, whatever this is, is to just laugh your ass off.

A bar owner? Akira mind control? K Y Reed? This is veering awfully close to “so bad it’s good” territory. The thought of Garret Hedlund screaming “TETSUO” at the top of his lungs make me laugh. Seriously, this could be the action comedy of the century.

Source: Acting Auditions

  • tim

    I know why your trashing on the Hollywoodization of this movie, but one thing that keeps irking me is that the original movie is a flawed failure. No. The original movie is 1/4 of a story, leaving out massively important points and whole characters. In order to make it into something watchable, they would have to redo the story. I can’t say that I’m happy with setting it in New York and casting a mostly white cast. But still… I can’t even imagine a proper job of this movie done without completely throwing out the animated film, and going all Peter Jackson on the source material.

  • Yu Huo

    Having recently reread the Manga, I can only greet this news with the most sincere and earnest WHAAUUUUUUUUGH NAAAAAAH GNNNNNN MRNAAAGWAGL NGAAAH! Or some evil laughter. What it won’t get is a movie ticket sale.

    I’m all for the idea of going all Peter Jackson on Akira’s ass, though, Tim.

  • BigNed

    “Steve” is right. Now they are moving the story to New York? How do they explain why all these white New Yorkers suddenly have Japanese names? Getting white people to play these roles to begin with was bad enough (I’m white FWIW), but now it’s really like they’ve taken the name ‘Akira’ and are slapping it on a pile of shit to make money off it. It’s kind of revolting.

  • Jamie

    Man, I’d really love someone like Peter Jackson to take the reigns of this project. He had such a passion for Lord of the Rings. It came through in the films, in the documentaries, in the press, everything about those movies.

    I think that’s what irritates me the most. There is no real passion here for Akira. Everything we’ve seen from the casting to the plot feels like a blatant money grab by the studio. There are ways to change the setting and the characters in a way that still reflects Otomo’s work, but the studio has demonstrated that they just care about the bottom line.

  • Firework the Comic

    I’m not a member of the movie watching public so this affects me in no way, really, but I loved how you responded to it. I just don’t know, this blog post put me in a lighter mood where I was a bit stressed.
    A lot of movies are hilariously bad. This will just be another one. It will in no way tarnish the original Akira because by now it’s a completely different organism, just like you imply by renaming it Steve. Pikachu evolved into Voldemort.

  • FmF

    Soooo this is going to be about the evil government doing ethical things and it all going to hell instead of what would happen if a man was granted god like powers?Yea… but hay we get what happen when a Kaneda and Tetsuo walk in to a bar jokes.Tetsuo turn in to a giant baby monster wile Kaneda force to shoot him with a laser.

  • Gillsing

    By making Kane a bar owner they must save a ton of money on special effects, since they can just cut out the futuristic motorcycles! ;-)

    As for the Japanese names for white people, I guess that means that Japan will be the superpower of the future, so other nations have adapted. I’ve gotten the impression that a lot of Chinese business people today have English ‘business names’. Didn’t make the written English look any less broken in that one letter I read, so the combination of English name and broken English smelled just as fake as white Kaneda from New York. But I suppose it saves foreigners the effort to learn how to pronounce Chinese names. Then again, in a very distant future names from different cultures might be mixed so much that it wouldn’t be strange to see anyone named anything from any culture.

  • Steven Napierski

    I want to see a Bollywood version of Akira. That would be awesome!

  • Jamie

    @Steven, I would totally see that!