Metro Hates You

Junji Ito is the great horror manga-ka behind such creepy ass titles as Tomoe and Uzumaki. There are days when my commute to work feels like I’ve stepped into a Junji Ito horror manga, specifically Uzumaki. Volume 3 of the manga features dilapidated row houses filled with people that are so crowded together that their bodies have become intertwined. Yup, that’s what it’s like riding Washington DC’s Metro to work every fucking morning.

The Metro system was designed to comfortably shuttle tourists from the surrounding DC suburbs into the heart of DC so that they could spend their money. The trains are designed for comfort. They’re carpeted. They’ve got comfy couch seats. They’re clean. No graffiti, no chewed gum, no rotting food, no weird smudges that appear to be living somehow. If you have friends who don’t live here who have ever visited DC and used the Metro, they will tell you how nice and clean the system is. For tourists, the Metro works.

For those of us who work here, the Metro is a broken system. Metro wants you to think it’s a fast, efficient way to get you to work in the city, but that’s a horrible fucking lie. It’s not meant to carry people to work. If it was, the car designs would look more like New York’s subway cars, hard tile, seats against the walls, lots of room to herd people into the center. Metro cars are more like comfy living rooms, carpeted, with the most inefficient seat layout for a transport system. The cars are old and regularly break down in the tunnels causing massive delays. And since there are no service tracks to scoot those broken cars into to let working cars full of commuters to go by, if a train goes down your commute is completely fucked. If you work here, Metro fucking hates you. hates you wicked hard.

Not only is it inefficient and stupid, it is also unsafe, especially if you work for Metro. We have seen far too many Metro workers killed because of communication problems, safety systems in disrepair, and general ineptness. It’s a wonder the workers have never gone on strike.

Ugh. I could go on and on and on about how bad Metro sucks, but there are blogs for that. Unsuck DC Metro tracks our frustration with the system we love to hate and DC superblog dcist follows our general disdain for Metro.

Alright, enough ranting.

Mini Contest!

Here’s a quick mini contest. There are seven characters waiting on the platform along with Kane. If you can name all seven correctly, I’ll send you a sketch of your favorite one out of the seven. Send your guesses to my email address (it’s the contact link up there in the nav) with the subject “Metro Hates You Mini Contest.” First correct answer wins a sketch!

UPDATE: We have a winner, winner, chicken dinner! Mathew Ling guessed correctly. From left to right we’ve got Black Jack, Astro Boy, Cammy, Hawk, Homer, Rorschache, and Logan. Thank you to all who emailed in your answers! And now I’ve gotta see this Ergo Proxy thing to see this Vincent guy.

↓ Transcript
METRO ANNOUNCEMENT: Expect delays to Bethesda on the Red Line due to a situation between Bethesda and Medical Center stations. We apologize for the delay. Thank you for choosing Metro. And remember...
KANE: Metro fucking hates you...

  • Al

    It’s annoying the hell out of me – I can’t get the guy/girl on the far left! *headdesk*

    This comic reminds me of my daily commute to work too. Small, packed trains during peak hours and large empty ones once rush hour is over.

    Loving what you’ve done so far, Jami. Keep it up!

  • reynard61

    I can name five(L->R): Astroboy, Hawk (from “AppleGeeks”), Homer Simpson, Wolverine and Rorschach. (From “Watchmen”.)

    Unfortunately, I have no clue as to who the other two are.

  • Captain Bravo

    The other two look to be Cammy, from Street Fighter

    And Vincent, from Ergo Proxy

    So, Homer, Wolverine, Astroboy, Hawk, Rorshach, Cammy, and Vincent. Is that right?

  • FmF

    One is wolverine the other I’m not sure may be Vincent law from Ergo Proxy but i doubt it.Good call on hawk i cant believe i didnt recognize him.

  • Kimba

    It’s Hawk.

  • Kimba

    Hmm…. just read your whole news feed…. should have read that first before blurting that out. Yea DC metro sucks. Though, the greater DC metro area wasn’t this densely populated when the metro system was built. If they new better, they would have put a “beltway” for the metro too. They said the DC beltway was a waste of space while it was being created, and said the same for a few of the VA metro stops at the end of the line… look how crowed they got. They had no foresight on this system.

  • Imani

    I just moved and i’m so glad i only have to go one stop to get to school now. Im packed like a sardine on the orange line….hate the metro.

  • DisposablePal

    the DC metro has owned me on many many occasions. buying a car and driving to work was the best thing i ever did. parking and traffic suck, but it beats being mashed in a smelly tube with a ton of people

  • Kyle

    the other two are black jack from the anime/ manga and camy from street fighter…… im such a nerd to all those as soon as i saw those black jack and hawk were the first ones i noticed

  • chami

    As someone who lives by the Shady Grove metro, yes, the Metro sucks. Doesn’t help that the Red Line seems to break down every other day.

  • Abe

    I dunno if you have to be there 9 on the dot or not, but what I do is I leave 15 min after the rush hour period so that I can actually get a seat…okay, truth be told, I don’t actually plan for it, just ends up that way cuz I never want to get out of bed.

  • Jamie

    @Kyle HAHAHA! Black Jack seemed to be the most difficult one to figure out.

    @Abe, where do you work that you can get in so late? I get to my stop around 7:30 and it’s already sardines in a fucking can.

  • D-W

    Ah the Red line. I’m glad I was never forced to take that one during rush hour. Blue and Yellow lines aren’t so bad, but then again I always got on at the end of the lines during the rush.

  • MikeyD

    DANG IT! I knew all of them but I was too late to the table to compete! Curses!!

  • eman

    Here via Twitter – and that’s Metro Center, isn’t it? Or am I merely projecting my own woes.

  • Kimba

    @MikeyD…. your avatar icon reflects your comment… Completely!

  • Jamie

    @eman it’s supposed to be further up the line like Rockville or Twinbrook, but now I realize that up North that way it’s all above ground. So Metro Center it is!

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  • kelsey

    ahahaha, i finally get a chance to read this comic, and i was like, “FUCK, IS THAT BLACKJACK AND ASTRO BOY!?!?”

    and there’s some smiling guy on the metro!?

    i love all the faces you’re drawing. they make me laugh lots :D

  • Jamie

    @kelsey, thanks!

  • Liros

    What are Blackjack, astro boy and chun li doing waiting for a train?

  • toeorchestra

    oh my god. this is me. yes. always on the redline. always some fricking delay on my way to glenmont. and always crowded.

  • DCBlackbird

    WHOA A DC LOCAL!? Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

  • Joel Joseph

    Not Chun Li, Cami. Don’t forget Homer Simpson. Is that Rorschach from the Watchmen at the far right of the front line?